Stranger, intruder, or impostor?

Everyone was waving and exchanging greetings and talking, as if they were in a club where people are glad to find themselves among others from the same world. That is how I explained to myself the strange impression I had of being odd man out, a kind of intruder. 

Ever played Among Us? This addicting game is a fun game my friends and I play as a break between the work we have to do. What's funny though is that when I was reading The Stranger, specifically the quote above, I made the connection of Mersault feeling like an "intruder" to this new, popular concept of impostor in Among Us. Mersault comes to this realization when he notices everyone conversing, happy to see each other. It's funny as he just explains to himself that he's the odd one out, as we all know that he's clearly the odd one out since the beginning with his passivity toward life (oddily enough, this is a significant factor toward his trial decision). 

As I read Mersault's story, especially with him narrating his inner thoughts (monologue) that attempt to justify his thoughts internally, I feel that his indifference and coldness stem from his dedication to the truth—the blatant truth. Claiming that he felt no sadness from his mother's death, Mersault tells us that "he felt the urge to reassure [the lawyer] that he was just like everybody else." His truthfulness causes his downfall (truthful passivity hamartia, in a sense?), as the jury convicts him from his lack of emotion. You can always count on Mersault for telling the truth. 

But obviously, no one is as truthful here. Playing Among Us with my friends, quite frankly I am terrible at finding the impostor. I'm deceived pretty easily, and I can't quite tell who's the odd one out. As impostor, however, I get called out in about the second round or so (oops, I guess I'm not the best liar). There is always that feeling of being the "odd man out" as Mersault mentions—you don't know what everyone's tasks are, who's gonna believe you, and who's gonna trust you. You are being watched: from vents and through security, visuals, and admin. 

A motif in The Stranger is eyes; you watching yourself or outsiders watching you.  👀

I had this stupid urge to cry, because I could feel how much all these people hated me. 

At this moment, Mersault realizes the gravity of his crime. He doesn't dwell on it, though, as he continues his indifference toward life and focus on the present as well as its physical nature. Of course, I don't reach the extent of crying or hatred in a game like Among Us, but the eyes can be symbolic here of all the crewmates watching your moves as aforementioned. 

Perhaps a more realistic approach to this feeling of an intruder or impostor is the case of impostor syndrome. I feel FOMO often, as well as impostor syndrome when watching others complete tasks/skills I'm not so great at myself. Now, sometimes at these low moments I do have the "stupid urge to cry" but from my own incompetence. I feel eyes watching me; not a jury, but my future and close ones—those who have helped me reach the point I'm at currently. Learning, however, that everyone has had impostor syndrome at some point in their life (and that successful adults still do) helps calm myself. I'm a strong believer in that we'll find our calling, someway and somehow. Though I worry often, the reality is that we only know so much. Seeing COVID, we can have hope in the news of two upcoming vaccines, but our future is still held in uncertainty. Will we have a frosh campus experience? Going into college next year, my impostor syndrome is likely to heighten, but I'll keep in mind that the reality is similar to the follow graphic, a multi-Venn Diagram showcasing the vast expanse of knowledge each person holds. Just as Mersault focuses on the physical world as a distraction from the jury (really emphasizing the heat), I hope to focus on what I love to do and how I can improve (instead of worrying). 

P.S. If you've watched Gossip Girl, Dan Humphrey is a pretty good example of this intruder feeling encompassed by tears and hatred.